Search This Blog

Sunday, August 7, 2011

When the Grief Returns

So, dealing with abortion is not a one-time thing.  We do not have a vaccine against the damage it does to our hearts and minds.  Even through healing, we still find the pain returns in different forms to taunt us throughout our lives.  I would love to say that is not so, however, living as a post-abortive woman, I know it would be a lie to tell anyone it goes away.  This is why it is imperative we DO seek healing...that we surround ourselves with those who will support us on those days...that we continue to pray and stay close to God even when we feel like curling up into a little ball and shutting out the entire world.  Satan is a master at beating us down, often, with our own words and thoughts.

It's perfect really...think about easily we can fend off attacks that are from the easy it is to solicit help from loved ones when the predator is clearly visible to everyone.  What's not so easy is to recruit help for the battle inside our own minds and hearts.  Oh, how weary we become when waging a war that no one can see, no one can hear, and no one feels.  You hear it...all of the time...his quiet and whispering voice tells us:

Reinforcements are never coming.  
You can't keep this up.  
You are weakening and the battle shows no sign of ending.  
Give up and find peace in the darkness with me.  
Lie down and allow yourself to become lost in the abyss of darkness.
Don't fight so hard against it, you know you cannot win. 
It's not worth it to struggle.  
You'll never have the strength and stamina you need for this war.

When writing them down it is quite easy to see the laughable lies being told.  It is easy to see through the attempts at weakening our soul.  Placing words before us gives us the power to really "see" what is happening and adjust our course as necessary.  Yet, how many of us take the time to do just that?  How often do we seek the assistance of the pen and paper/computer and screen to put words to our darkest feelings and thoughts in order to release their power over us?  Not often enough, I tell you.  And that is how the Evil One gains ground upon us.  He seeps in as a shadow upon our hearts and begins to tighten his grip upon our very existence.  His plan is to separate us from all fragments of love, honor, and, ultimately, God's embrace.  His goal is create such doubt in our own minds about the lives we've led and healing we've accomplished thus far that we simply abandon all hope and succumb to the darkness calling to us each day.  He works to separate us from one another because "divide and conquer" is his motto.

All of this I endure because of just one "choice" that was my right, according to the Supreme Court in 1973.  All of this because (supposedly) it is no more than simple tissue and an easy procedure.  All of this because "it's not really a baby, not yet."  All of this because of one dark moment that everyone said was the "best thing for me."  All of this because in one moment, I chose to be a coward rather than take the time needed to think through a emotionally painful, terrifying, and overwhelming situation.  All this because the "choice" I made was to make no choice at all.

All of us have those moments in our lives when we can look back and see...there it is...that's when it all changed...that's when I took a different path.  August, 1991, is MY moment.  20 years ago this month, I walked into a clinic in New York City with my mother.  I sat in a waiting room with strangers.  I walked into a room with a nurse and doctor and allowed my body to lie still on a table while life was taken from me.

Now, 20 years later.  No other children.  No other known pregnancies.  ...I find out the permanency of that fateful decision when I was just a frightened, 17-year old girl.  I must schedule a hysterectomy because of medical problems that have recently heightened to a point of extreme pain and suffering.  I have known for a couple of years this time would come, however, there was still hope.  That piece of me still thought that a miracle could occur.  Somehow, I might beat the odds and become pregnant.  What an amazing gift and triumph that could be, indeed!  This month, I put that dream to rest and schedule an operation that will forever make it impossible.

Given that at 17 I had no idea that was the one and only time I might be pregnant, I cannot spend much time in anger at that younger version of myself.  I had to let that go long ago.  How could she have known?  At 17, I was healthy, vibrant, and the entire world was out in front of me.  Who would think such a thing could happen?  I had plenty of time to become a mother when I was older, married, and ready.  How could a 17 year old girl think beyond that moment and possibly consider the long-term consequences of that one act?

I submit to each of you therein lies part of the problem with our society.  Therein lies the question as well as the answer.  At 17, are we capable of such decisions?  No.  At 17, should girls or boys be engaging in sexual behaviors...behaviors that can lead to long-term and irreparable outcomes?  NO!!!  While our society focuses on "safe sex" and educating our children, sexual disease and abortions continue to rise.  The pain and suffering of our people rises with those numbers, as well.  What then, have we accomplished by telling everyone that it's ok because it's "their choice" after all?

While so many issues come from abortion, we must remember that abortion is merely the SYMPTOM of the true problems in our lives.  It is imperative that we take the time to look beyond the act of abortion and address the problems present in the lives of those women who are choosing abortion.  Whether it is the problem of becoming sexually active too soon, living in abuse, or succumbing to pressure and sometimes even threats, it is vital we look to solve those problems rather than look at pregnancy as a "disease" or "problem to be solved."

A post-abortive person suffers a great deal.  Either they do so in silence or their actions cry out for help.  Regardless of their backgrounds or paths taken since the abortion, the pain and loss that exists can overtake a person quickly and seemingly come from nowhere.  How do we combat such an enemy?  What about those of us who already gave in and live with abortion in our lives?  What about the people who attended retreats, receive healing, and still yet, suffer the relentless attacks upon our souls?

I submit to each of you that prayer and faith are our best allies.  And, as I mentioned earlier, we must...MUST...surround ourselves with people who know the signs of our downward spiral.  We need people in our lives who will NOT give us "that look" of frustration or, worse yet, misplaced pity, when we find ourselves suffering as a result of it.  We must reach out to one other post abortive persons who KNOW EXACTLY what we feel.  It is in our shared pain that we can rise out of the depths and remember that the pain is normal, but not something that will kill us.  If we reach out for help towards others in our time of need, then we can find the support required to march onward and survive the battles that come from time-to-time.

My abortion will never go away.  I will never know what it feels like to carry a child in my give it cradle it in my arms and kiss its sweet face while my husband holds us both.  I gave that up.  As much as I would love to run far from that fact, I can never escape the horror of that one act.


I am deserving of love.  I am a good person.  I learned from that terrible decision.  I want God to lead me now and forever.  I have great friends and a loving husband.  I have sisters who are loving and protective.

Even on the days when it is so very difficult to keep all of those blessings in mind, I must persevere.  God stands with us even when we forget He is there.  In my darkness, I seek the light and pray that He consoles me until I am able to walk out of that cave and receive the gift of love awaiting me.  Some days, I am all in and ready for it.  Other days, I struggle to find the opening and still yet, to even walk through it when it is found.  It is so important that I never give up, however.  I am human and therefore, I suffer.  What I cannot forget is that my suffering is not WHO I is simply a cross to bear.  That requires total honesty from me not only with others, but most especially with myself.

For if Christ is with us, who therefore, can stand against us?


  1. Christine, my dear sister in Christ - what a beautiful post this is. Thank you -

  2. Christine, my prayers and love are with you. God bless you. Lala

  3. August 22 will mark 24 years from my abortion at 17 years old. I started a blog aonto months ago. Thank you for writing yours.

  4. Beautiful and soooooo true, all of it, the grip satan gets over my mind is horrible some days.

  5. Thank you for your expressions- they are so helpful, and so healing, because so many of us have been there, and we didn't realize it until now. As women, we are so connected to life, and we feel all gradations of it. When we lose a child of any age, we can never deny the connection to that life. We will never forget, and will always remember. But we can heal, and still belong to life. God bless you.