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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas - We are Saved!

Today, I write to say Merry Christmas to all of you.  Some are post-abortive like myself.  Others of you simply support life and/or those who suffer from abortion.  I say Merry Christmas and Christ's peace on Earth to you all.

As a post-abortive person, Christmas can sometimes become a struggle.  There are so many messages out there celebrating the coming of our Savior into the world.  Other messages herald our Lady's courage in saying "yes" under extreme circumstances - a very Pro Life message, indeed.  The ultimate one, in fact.  However, when we fail to forgive ourselves and permit God's love to shine upon us, then these messages can be daggers to the heart instead of the hope-filled ones intended.  To some, it can become devastating, causing further retreat into oneself.  So, what do we do? 

We pray. 

We remember that Christ came for ALL OF US and He came most especially for the sinners.  He came because there was much work to be done and much that needed redemption.  He did not come for the righteous, but for the opposite.  He came to be the hand that reached out to us when we fell. 

It can be particularly easy to further punish ourselves during these times of year.  Especially when families are gathered and we look around a room that should be filled with one or more additional voices.  Voices that we ended before they spoke a single word.  The pain of acknowledging that is difficult on any normal day...it is excruciating on days like these.  I speak to each of you as someone who knows the pain and suffering, personally.  I ask you to turn toward God's light rather than away.  I humbly beg that you listen not to the self-hating or denying voice of Satan who only wants you to continue running from God's loving embrace. 

Remember, especially today, He came for us!  All He is waiting for is you to turn to Him and give Him the pain you carry.

 His love is capable of overcoming all fear, doubt, anger, sorrow, despair, hurt, fury, denial, and self-loathing. 

Nothing is too powerful for Him.  All you need to do is ask it of Him and it shall be done.

Let this Christmas be one of hope and release from captivity.  Allow Christ to fulfill His promise to you and let go of the shadowy darkness that has followed you for so long.  God is with us, always.  Especially in our pain.  He is awaiting us at every turn.  He loves us so much, He gave His only begotten son.  Is there really anything we could do to be unworthy of Him now?

The answer to that is simple...no.

Peace and blessings to you all.  I pray you have a Merry Christmas and receive God's mercy and love every day of your lives.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

God's Plan vs. My Plan

So, lately I've been thinking a lot about God's plan for my life and how that differs from what I may have thought it might be at one time.  After all, I had planned on having a few children by now and raising a family.  I didn't know what that looked like, exactly, but I always knew God had placed a strong "mothering" drive upon my heart.  Therefore, it was logical to assume I would have children of my own, right?

Needless to say, my plan is vastly different than what God had in store for me.  Rather than "mothering" my own children, I find myself working with young adult mothers and pregnant women. 

Huh?  Wait.  I thought you meant...oh...I see...

While I thought, for all these years, that perhaps I would have my own children one day, God was merely preparing me for the role of another kind of mother.  One that takes care of others, but not in a traditional sense.  That drive upon my heart I mentioned earlier...that was God leading me toward something greater than myself and my own, personal desires.  He was laying the groundwork for my new career choice as well as revitalization of my faith life.  Yep, that God, He's a funny one, indeed.

"Ask and you shall receive" - isn't that the saying? 

Well, I asked for the opportunity to take care of others, I just wasn't aware that God had a particular plan in mind that did not necessarily include my own children.  LOL  Well now, isn't that interesting?

If you've read over my previous blogs, you will know that I have been unable to conceive since I was 17 years old.  At that time, I chose abortion and my life became a series of bad decisions directly after that incident.  It was the worst "choice" of my life and not one that should have been available to me at all.  However, regardless of the ways in which I numbed myself to the thought of what I was doing, the bottom line is I made that decision...even if my decision was "no decision" at all.  I permitted other people to decide the fate of the innocent life within my womb.  Is it any wonder I punished myself so much for years afterwards?  The guilt, the horror, the sadness was my constant companion no matter the "outer shell" I presented at the time.

I received healing from attending a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat around 4 1/2 years ago, however, and I continue to grow in my love for The Lord daily.  Healing is a process and one that I gladly take on in order to find ways of helping others who might also suffer.  If my suffering aides another person, then it was not in vain.  What a wonderful God we have who knows the despair we feel and is able to find ways of using it for good, in spite of our many attempts at messing things up!  Good thing He is in control and not me, that's for sure!!!

As I have traveled the road towards acceptance of my fate, I've struggled with the knowledge of never again conceiving a child of my own flesh.  Later, I also had to reconcile the fact that my husband and I are quickly growing beyond the age limits for eligibility for adoption, as well.  During my journey of emotions, I found a great deal of peace in my faith and in turning to others in my times of grief.  It has been the love of Christ that delivered me from pain.  The people God placed into my life were also key factors in my healing process and I am ever grateful and humbled for each of them along the way.  Although I chose to end my sweet baby's life and therefore, some might say I have no right to grieve my infertility, I know that God understands my grief and He knows my repentance for that terrible act is sincere.  It gives me great hope to know He is such a loving and forgiving God that no sin is so great that it reaches beyond His all-encompassing hand of mercy.

Now, in my 38th year of life, I am without natural children and little hope for adoption considering the direction of my life at this time (yes, I am a student in college). It strikes me how amazing the gift God placed in my hands ever so subtly truly is.  I am speaking about my career choice and degree plan.  What better way of acting upon the motherly spirit of caring, love, guidance, advocacy, understanding, and helpfulness (all characteristics of any mother) than to be in the midst of those who need those very things the most?  Can you imagine a better way to serve our Lord than to be among the people whom He loves?  I cannot.  And, it occurs to me that if I did get my original wish...if I had been able to conceive and bear my own children, I would never have experienced the joy that is now my life. 

Working at the Madonna House (residential program for pregnant women who are in crisis) and attending college for social work are things that bring me more fulfillment than I could ever imagine.  I am able to bring Christ to "the least of these" every day and that is, in a word,

A - M - A - Z - I - N - G

Every day at work, I am encouraged to bring Christ into every aspect of my interactions with the ladies at Madonna House.  I am constantly surrounded by reminders of our Lord God and the Staff works together to ALWAYS be the Hands of Christ to each person we encounter.  Wow...just wow! 

I could never have the time to commit to such a career if not for my infertility.  I could never work toward a college education in the field of social work if I had my own children.  Yes, some can and do pursue such things while being parents...I am simply aware of my own, personal limitations...whatever I do, I go "all in" so if I had children, I simply wouldn't be able to balance other things such as schooling and an intense career.  I have deep respect for those who can...I am simply not that talented! So I suppose that I am finding blessings even in the midst of suffering and isn't that what God hopes we will come to eventually?  Rather than focus upon the hurts of lives or disappoints, shouldn't we always strive to embrace the positive and joyous moments instead?

God is all knowing and all powerful.  He could easily have forced His way into my life...forced me to choose what He wanted for my life...and given me no choice at all.  Sure.  He could have left me to suffer an entire lifetime of despair after my abortion, as well.  But, no, we have a loving and merciful God.  He is not only a just God, but He balances the two things, perfectly.  Justice and mercy go hand-in-hand.  I suffered for all of the missteps of my life, whether through accountability or simply consequences to my own actions.  However, never did God withhold His love and mercy during any of those times. 

It is by His permissive Will that I came to make my mistakes, even though He cried at what I had done.  It is by His Grace and the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ that I was able to return home to Him afterwards.  And, it is because I chose (yes, CHOSE) to follow Him in spite of all my mistakes that I now experience the joys of a loving and supportive marriage, unimaginable joy in my career, and the thrill of growth in spirit and mind while attending college.  He permitted me to choose and because I freely came to Him, I am even more committed to fulfilling His Will for me...His Plan than I would have had I been forced into it.

So...my plan was basic and simple...essentially, going through the motions of life until I figured out something...anything.  I wanted children, but had no real plan.  I wanted to feel fulfilled and thought I had a plan.  That plan fell apart and I was lost.  Then, God placed a few things in my path and fortunately, I was ready to start listening to Him.  Since that day, since that journey of humbling myself to His Will began, I have experienced more true happiness than I could have ever "planned" for myself.  Through all of the anguish in my life, God gently lifted my chin, wiped away my tears, and helped direct me onto a path that would lead me where I wanted to go because He knew better than I what I searched and longed for in my life...even if it was different than the map I had in my hand at the time.

God is good, indeed.  We should all learn to "let go and let God" more often. 

Peace.


Saturday, October 15, 2011

What If...

So, it  has been a little while since my last post.  Forgive me.  School has me overwhelmed with projects and things that require much of my mental faculties.  Then, there's always work and that taxes me the rest of the way.  I am, however, remaining faithful and active in the Pro Life arena and continue my work with Rachel's Vineyard.  Of all the things I've left by the wayside to make room for school and work, RV will remain with me as I believe God placed it upon my heart, purposefully.

With that said, much has happened, lately.  I've encountered situations where my faith has been put to the test as well as my viewpoints on things such as abortion, contraception, and even, being a devout Catholic.  Some of the challenges have come from the usual suspects in debating forums or posts on Facebook.  Others have come from sources closer to home through conversations with friends, family, co-workers, and classmates. 

What I truly and sincerely enjoy is the opportunity to talk with people who can clearly articulate a viewpoint even if it is in direct opposition to mine.  By "clearly" I mean a person who expresses their passion through educated debate and not by meaningless dribble like, "because I said so" or "I will if I want to" or even resorting to name-calling...or...one of my favorites, deflecting the conversation entirely onto another topic because they've realized they cannot intelligently defend their position.  Where has the art of debate gone?  What happened to people using civilized means by which to have discussions?  Be passionate...absolutely!  I sure am!  But, there is a difference between passion and anger resulting from frustration at an inability to communicate one's point.  Don't you agree?

I spoke to a group of youth a few weeks ago at a Pro Life lock-in.  Their ages ranged from 14-17.  I was asked to share my own abortion story with them and then, field questions.  So, I shared the most pertinent part of it...the moments after I awoke from having had the abortion.  I shared what it was like to be 17 and in that situation and how all it would have taken for me to reconsider that life-shattering decision was ONE VOICE.  Initially, they didn't know what to say.  Then, after one question, here came the hands, one after another.  I thanked God at that moment for allowing me to have the strength of knowledge behind my words.  These kids were looking for more than a personal story...they wanted facts, information, resources.  I praised God that He had led me to be a Pro Life advocate and not just a person with a story to share because in that moment, I was able to give them what they desired.

This is why I continue to do what I do via Facebook, in person, by writing letters, posting blogs, and speaking at various public engagements.  Because one person can and does make a difference.  There is no telling how many people will receive the information I put forth that night, but even if only one other person is reached, then it's one person more than there was prior to that night.  One of the "tidbits" of new information I provided that night was the resource of Abby Johnson.  She is the former Planned Parenthood Director who now advocates for LIFE. 

Never let anyone make you believe that one person cannot make a difference. 
That is totally untrue. 
One person, in the sea of opposition, can be the beacon of light someone else had been searching for. 
One person can make all the difference. 

I've stated it before and I'll restate it now...so often, when working with post-abortive persons, I hear time and again how they waited for someone to "rescue" them from going through with their abortion.  They waited for someone, anyone, to stand up and tell them they didn't have to do this...and...most often, that person they awaited was the child's father...sometimes sitting in the waiting room feeling lost, alone, and regretting what was happening while feeling helpless himself. 

What if just ONE of them had said something...what if ONE friend had said something...what if ONE person had provided them with hope in another choice...a real choice...what if???

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

40 Days for Life - Pray for ALL Affected by Abortion

Hello Everyone!

The Tulsa Area 40 Days for Life Kick-Off Rally is scheduled for tomorrow (Wednesday), 9/28, beginning at 6:00 PM. It will be at the usual location (The Garden of Hope), across from Tulsa's abortion clinic near 31st & Sheridan. I ask that you consider one or more of the following:
  1. Plan to attend the rally and show your support for the various speakers, one of whom is giving testimony about her own abortion story!
  2. Pray for all those who suffer from abortion and also, for the unborn!
  3. Pray for the peaceful gathering of 40 Days for Life supporters and that their prayers for ALL affected by abortion are heard!
  4. Sign-up for at least one (1) hour of prayer at the site sometime during this year's campaign!
  5. Forward this information onto your friends and family members and ask them to do one or more of the following!
I thank each of you for considering these items. The unborn are precious and deserve dignity. We pray, daily, for their souls and the souls of all those who are involved with abortion in any way.  Often, men and women suffer in silence.  Once they go through with abortion, they are unaware they DO have the right to grieve the loss of that child.  
While we focus our prayers on the prevention of future abortions and for the unborn, themselves, it is also vital we pray for the people who suffer as a result of abortion.  That includes the abortion clinic doctors and staff.  That includes the brothers, sisters, friends, grandparents, aunts, and uncles who lost the opportunity for that person to be in their lives, as well, because they were aborted.
Simply put.  Abortion hurts.  It's about more than statistics.  It's beyond the fact that it is life. Abortion destroys motherhood and is the irrevocable act that brings despair to all who encounter it on one level or another.  I know that feeling all-too-well.  I work so that others may avoid making that desperate decision when they feel lost, alone, and terrified.  I pray that God gives me strength, wisdom, and patience to do His work here on Earth for an eventual end to the devastation that IS abortion.
Peace be with you all.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Christine Monteith (@Mondabi2000) has shared a Tweet with you:

"Mondabi2000: In our fight against abortion, let us not forget how people get to a place where they are considering it!

http://t.co/JuGxAcF" --http://twitter.com/Mondabi2000/status/110422603453300736

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Is No One Here to Condemn You?

On Saturday, August 20, the Tulsa Rachel's Vineyard Team met for a 1/2 day retreat.  It was a way of reaching out to one another and recharging our batteries, so-to-speak.  Usually, when we're together, it's in some way connected to working for/toward a retreat or a post-healing meeting (we have those, monthly).  This was different.  It was a chance to be together as people, hear the Word of God, and share Christ's love by simply "being" for a short while.  Not something many of us are able to do.  The Retreat was a success and wonderfully done!  We are blessed with dedicated members and leadership, indeed!

Early during the retreat, our Deacon (recently ordained and gosh, we ARE proud of him!), reflected upon a very familiar living scripture.  It was the woman caught in adultery.  Many of us are quite familiar with the story of the poor woman who was dragged into the center of the crowd as a means of testing Jesus.  It is heart wrenching to think what that woman must have endured in those moments, all eyes on her.  Who knows what proof, if any, these men even had.  Yet, she was there, moments away from losing her life in accordance with how they understood the law.  The so-called "leaders" were poised to catch Jesus in contradiction and thereby, undermining his teachings and leadership role they felt had been stolen from them.

C-O-N-D-E-M-N-A-T-I-O-N

But...what does Jesus do?  How does he respond to what has occurred?  He ignores it.  Instead, he bends down to write in the ground with his finger.  Many have disputed what that may have been, but all we know is that Jesus was not going to respond in the manner they expected.  He knew their evil and manipulative plans.  He was most likely tired of this game they insisted on playing. 

As we know, his answer to their questions was the same and quite simple. 
"Whoever among you is without sin may cast the first stone."
Can you imagine the power of those words?  The air must have been thick with anticipation.  People probably began to shuffle their fit in discomfort (as was discussed in our retreat) and looked to see who might be the first to do so.  Nothing.  Instead, they left.  One-by-one, the crowd dispersed until only the frightened and lone woman remained. 

I, myself, imagine her body trembling all over.  I imagine her face in the dirt, holding her breath, waiting for the pang of pain to strike her at any moment.  As the crowd disperses, she probably doesn't notice it because she is crouched in fear.  Her body is damp with perspiration, her lungs heavy with the dirt she is inhaling while breathing the dust of the ground...her lips dry and pressed tightly together.  She waits.  The sound of her pulse is nearly deafening inside her ears, now.  The feet begin to shuffle around her and she thinks the end is near.  Enthralled in agony of anticipation, she allows tears to escape and begins to weep, but her fear is so intense no sound leaves her mouth.  When the impact doesn't come, when she feels the wind in her hair because the wall of people previously preventing it has gone, she finally lifts up her head to see what has happened.  She is speechless.  In utter confusion, she looks at Jesus and His gentle expression begins to lift her from the agony of fear.

We all have felt like this woman at one time or another.  We have all experienced the complete condemnation of those around us.  We have all suffered the total loss of our dignity.  Placing ourselves into that story, we can all feel the woman's racing heartbeat and nearly hear her thoughts.  When we have made a mistake that is bigger than us...when we've gone too far...when we've realized that we have been found out, and every time we think to ourselves, everyone must know what a wretch I am...we are that woman!

This is what abortion feels like.  This is the moment right after the procedure, when we awake from our slumber to the full weight of our actions.  Knowing we cannot turn back.  Realizing the finality of the deed and all-at-once feeling the despair of that act in every fiber of our being.  Once the panic sets in, we wait and wait for that final judgment to come.  It is out there...taunting us...we sense it...ready to strike us down into the ground at any moment. 
How many of us know this term all too well?  How many of us have felt each letter of that word stomped into our brains as a permanent seal of our fate?  How often have we wielded it as a weapon against others in the hope of deflecting its weight for even just one moment?  Too often, I fear. 

Recently, while on my Facebook group page (Healing After Abortion), a comment was made by one of the members that stated,
"Abortion is cold blooded murder, the sinner should face prison for life."
Extremely strong words to be used on a page dedicated to finding loving means by which to end abortion.  A page that focuses on helping others heal from abortion.  Not something I expected in that particular group, but it probably confirmed many who fear such people are out there...ready to judge...ready to write them off.  I'd say this falls heavily under condemnation, don't you agree?

Isn't this the condemnation we, as post-abortive persons, have awaited? 

But what about Jesus' words? 
What about His reaction? 
Where is Christ in us when we use such tools to condemn others?
Is this the result of anger at being helpless in some way? 
Because a person has sinned, does that give anyone license to take away their dignity?

No.  It is not.

Is anyone out there without sin?

No. No one.

Jesus showed us all the way.  Not only in this story, but in several others.  He was trying to tell us, even all those years ago, that focusing on the sin wasn't right.  That everything cannot be about justice without mercy.  That if we are going to assign such permanent sentences to those who sin, then who will be left to carry out those sentences when all is said and done?

He was trying to show us that compassion towards those who sin is what was necessary for true and complete healing.  He was reaching out to someone that everyone else had given up on. He was a single voice of reason amongst indignation and hate.

Do not misunderstand.  He did not state that sin was ok.  No, his words were quite the contrary,
"Has no one condemned you?  Then neither do I condemn you.  Go and do not sin any more."
Jesus basically tells her to stop the crap!  LOL 

I like to imagine that He helped her up from her frightened position, dusted her off and then, set her on her way.  There's no proof of that, of course, but it's a nice visual in my head, any way.  He didn't tell her to feel badly about it and chastise herself over it.  Nope.  He said to "Go and do not sin any more."  In other words, He was letting her know that He was aware of her sin, but equally aware of her repentance and the suffering she had already endured.  He was also equally aware of the fact that no one in that crowd was without the stain of sin. 

Now, He was asking her to go forth into the world a new woman, a just woman, a faithful woman.  He didn't brow beat her, tell her she owed Him one, or even tell her she was somehow less of a woman now.  No, He simply told her to go..to stop sinning.  She was asked to stop doing that which was causing her to be known as this terrible sinner...to stop doing what was keeping her from God.  Wow. 

Do we realize the power of those words?  Do we fully grasp the implication of His act? 

Huh.  So, according to His standards ... pick ourselves back up, stop feeling like crap about something that has been done already, and for which we have suffered enough (humiliation, judgment, fear, anguish, repentance), and go out into the world to sin no more.  No mention of beating ourselves up, feeling like poop every day, believing we are without value, or thinking we are less worthy than the next person of finding happiness, love, and/or good things in this life. 

It almost sounds as if He now expects us to go out and do good in His name, even.  Hmmmm...

Now that sounds good to me!  Way better than the life-long guilt trip I had previously planned for myself.  What do you think???

Ladies and Gentlemen...Praise God always.  Remember to pray daily.  And, when you find you've had a hard day or feel you've failed Him somehow, then pray for forgiveness.  Do not wallow in your misery.  That brings no glory to God. 

Get rested.  Try again.  Keep trying until you get it right.  Never give up.  Always turn to Him in all things.

It's helpful if you remember...on the day you meet God, of all the things He's going to ask you, what He won't be asking you is how many times you succeeded...He'll be much too interested in talking about whether or not you tried.

Peace.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

When Others Want You to "Get Over It"

Recently, I have encountered many spiritual as well as physical battles. As you know from my latest post, my physical battle includes various reproductive issues. In spite of Satan’s attempt at drowning me in despair, I have found support and love through Christ and those with whom He surrounds me. I have found, however, the more good I do in this world the more obstacles are placed in my path.

One of the more interesting sentiments I encounter from time-to-time is the whole “get over it” mentality of people who are tired of hearing about the suffering or listening to how abortion affects those who endure it. It’s as if they were willing, at one time, to be sensitive and supportive, but now, they feel that we should move onto something else.

Why is it still on our minds?

How can we be traumatized over something that is long gone?

This, my friends, is a terrible symptom of our society and the desensitization that has occurred in regard to abortion. The conversation becomes cumbersome and they long for a way out of it. Surely, we have got to get to point in our lives where we are “over it” right?

Um...let’s see...W-R-O-N-G!

That way of thinking is one of the reasons we battle so much when it comes to this particular topic. That is why abortion doesn’t get the attention as a MAJOR issue that it truly deserves.

This is why men and women continue to suffer alone...because we are made to feel we have “x” amount of time in which to grieve and discuss it.

Then, it becomes off limits...

It’s not comfortable.


It’s a mood killer.


It is divisive.

Can’t we just all get along?

Can’t you “see someone” about that if it’s still bothering you?

As if someone can put a limit on how much pain a person is permitted to feel before they are required to “be better.”

How much of that seems familiar to you?  How often have those words been spoken to you through the actions of those around?  Sometimes, even by those you love who mean well?
How many times have you been made to feel something was wrong with YOU because you can’t find a way to move past it?

Ladies and gentlemen, don’t give in!

Do not allow our skewed society with its focus of relativism regarding morality to overtake you. It is unjust and unfair to assume that anyone “simply gets over” or “moves on” from what we have done and lived through. Does anyone ever get over the loss of a loved one? Do parents suddenly stop missing their child who died? Does anyone decide one day they no longer miss that person they loved who passed away? If there were things left undone or unsaid, does that regret simply vanish and one just shrugs their shoulders and moves on?

Let me put this another way...does anyone say this to MADD (“Mothers Against Drunk Driving”), AA (“Alcoholics Anonymous”), people going to therapy for a variety of reasons, and other groups developed as a direct result of some kind of loss (whether loss of a loved one or loss of self through addiction)?

No.

People and society acknowledge that there is a very REAL need for support of people affected by certain things. That people can’t simply “get over” some things. The people in their lives also work to understand, to support, and to hold up those people because they recognize it as a legitimate problem for them.

So, why is it different with abortion?

Why do so many find it difficult to acknowledge a post-abortive persons ongoing grief?

That’s easy...the abortion industry, in its attempt to keep people looking in the wrong direction, has done a superb job of billing Post-Abortion Syndrome ("PAS") as something made-up. They know, full well, that acknowledgment of this condition will only put a microscope onto what abortion REALLY IS and DOES, which might allow people to realize it is not such an uncomplicated procedure simply dealing with tissue.

After all...has anyone had to attend a support group, therapist, or weekend retreat due to grief brought on by missing their gallbladder or a kidney?

Those are “simple procedures” that are only removing tissue and/or non-vital organs, right?

According to their reasoning, it is the same thing, right?

So...if that is true...either I should be writing a blog about my removed gallbladder...OR...there IS more to abortion than they are telling us.

Interesting.









Sunday, August 7, 2011

When the Grief Returns

So, dealing with abortion is not a one-time thing.  We do not have a vaccine against the damage it does to our hearts and minds.  Even through healing, we still find the pain returns in different forms to taunt us throughout our lives.  I would love to say that is not so, however, living as a post-abortive woman, I know it would be a lie to tell anyone it goes away.  This is why it is imperative we DO seek healing...that we surround ourselves with those who will support us on those days...that we continue to pray and stay close to God even when we feel like curling up into a little ball and shutting out the entire world.  Satan is a master at beating us down, often, with our own words and thoughts.

It's perfect really...think about it...how easily we can fend off attacks that are from the exterior...how easy it is to solicit help from loved ones when the predator is clearly visible to everyone.  What's not so easy is to recruit help for the battle inside our own minds and hearts.  Oh, how weary we become when waging a war that no one can see, no one can hear, and no one feels.  You hear it...all of the time...his quiet and whispering voice tells us:

Reinforcements are never coming.  
You can't keep this up.  
You are weakening and the battle shows no sign of ending.  
Give up and find peace in the darkness with me.  
Lie down and allow yourself to become lost in the abyss of darkness.
Don't fight so hard against it, you know you cannot win. 
It's not worth it to struggle.  
You'll never have the strength and stamina you need for this war.

When writing them down it is quite easy to see the laughable lies being told.  It is easy to see through the attempts at weakening our soul.  Placing words before us gives us the power to really "see" what is happening and adjust our course as necessary.  Yet, how many of us take the time to do just that?  How often do we seek the assistance of the pen and paper/computer and screen to put words to our darkest feelings and thoughts in order to release their power over us?  Not often enough, I tell you.  And that is how the Evil One gains ground upon us.  He seeps in as a shadow upon our hearts and begins to tighten his grip upon our very existence.  His plan is to separate us from all fragments of love, honor, and, ultimately, God's embrace.  His goal is create such doubt in our own minds about the lives we've led and healing we've accomplished thus far that we simply abandon all hope and succumb to the darkness calling to us each day.  He works to separate us from one another because "divide and conquer" is his motto.

All of this I endure because of just one "choice" that was my right, according to the Supreme Court in 1973.  All of this because (supposedly) it is no more than simple tissue and an easy procedure.  All of this because "it's not really a baby, not yet."  All of this because of one dark moment that everyone said was the "best thing for me."  All of this because in one moment, I chose to be a coward rather than take the time needed to think through a emotionally painful, terrifying, and overwhelming situation.  All this because the "choice" I made was to make no choice at all.


All of us have those moments in our lives when we can look back and see...there it is...that's when it all changed...that's when I took a different path.  August, 1991, is MY moment.  20 years ago this month, I walked into a clinic in New York City with my mother.  I sat in a waiting room with strangers.  I walked into a room with a nurse and doctor and allowed my body to lie still on a table while life was taken from me.

Now, 20 years later.  No other children.  No other known pregnancies.  ...I find out the permanency of that fateful decision when I was just a frightened, 17-year old girl.  I must schedule a hysterectomy because of medical problems that have recently heightened to a point of extreme pain and suffering.  I have known for a couple of years this time would come, however, there was still hope.  That piece of me still thought that a miracle could occur.  Somehow, I might beat the odds and become pregnant.  What an amazing gift and triumph that could be, indeed!  This month, I put that dream to rest and schedule an operation that will forever make it impossible.

Given that at 17 I had no idea that was the one and only time I might be pregnant, I cannot spend much time in anger at that younger version of myself.  I had to let that go long ago.  How could she have known?  At 17, I was healthy, vibrant, and the entire world was out in front of me.  Who would think such a thing could happen?  I had plenty of time to become a mother when I was older, married, and ready.  How could a 17 year old girl think beyond that moment and possibly consider the long-term consequences of that one act?

I submit to each of you therein lies part of the problem with our society.  Therein lies the question as well as the answer.  At 17, are we capable of such decisions?  No.  At 17, should girls or boys be engaging in sexual behaviors...behaviors that can lead to long-term and irreparable outcomes?  NO!!!  While our society focuses on "safe sex" and educating our children, sexual disease and abortions continue to rise.  The pain and suffering of our people rises with those numbers, as well.  What then, have we accomplished by telling everyone that it's ok because it's "their choice" after all?

While so many issues come from abortion, we must remember that abortion is merely the SYMPTOM of the true problems in our lives.  It is imperative that we take the time to look beyond the act of abortion and address the problems present in the lives of those women who are choosing abortion.  Whether it is the problem of becoming sexually active too soon, living in abuse, or succumbing to pressure and sometimes even threats, it is vital we look to solve those problems rather than look at pregnancy as a "disease" or "problem to be solved."

A post-abortive person suffers a great deal.  Either they do so in silence or their actions cry out for help.  Regardless of their backgrounds or paths taken since the abortion, the pain and loss that exists can overtake a person quickly and seemingly come from nowhere.  How do we combat such an enemy?  What about those of us who already gave in and live with abortion in our lives?  What about the people who attended retreats, receive healing, and still yet, suffer the relentless attacks upon our souls?

I submit to each of you that prayer and faith are our best allies.  And, as I mentioned earlier, we must...MUST...surround ourselves with people who know the signs of our downward spiral.  We need people in our lives who will NOT give us "that look" of frustration or, worse yet, misplaced pity, when we find ourselves suffering as a result of it.  We must reach out to one another...to other post abortive persons who KNOW EXACTLY what we feel.  It is in our shared pain that we can rise out of the depths and remember that the pain is normal, but not something that will kill us.  If we reach out for help towards others in our time of need, then we can find the support required to march onward and survive the battles that come from time-to-time.

My abortion will never go away.  I will never know what it feels like to carry a child in my womb...to give it life...to cradle it in my arms and kiss its sweet face while my husband holds us both.  I gave that up.  As much as I would love to run far from that fact, I can never escape the horror of that one act.

HOWEVER...

I am deserving of love.  I am a good person.  I learned from that terrible decision.  I want God to lead me now and forever.  I have great friends and a loving husband.  I have sisters who are loving and protective.

Even on the days when it is so very difficult to keep all of those blessings in mind, I must persevere.  God stands with us even when we forget He is there.  In my darkness, I seek the light and pray that He consoles me until I am able to walk out of that cave and receive the gift of love awaiting me.  Some days, I am all in and ready for it.  Other days, I struggle to find the opening and still yet, to even walk through it when it is found.  It is so important that I never give up, however.  I am human and therefore, I suffer.  What I cannot forget is that my suffering is not WHO I AM...it is simply a cross to bear.  That requires total honesty from me not only with others, but most especially with myself.

For if Christ is with us, who therefore, can stand against us?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Being Post-Abortive and Vulnerability

So, driving home this morning I decided to flip the radio dials around.  Something I don't do often anymore since music radio is getting less and less about music and more and more about shock value.  Ugh.  Anyway, I ended up on 106.9 and what gave me pause was a woman/girl's soft voice relaying a story.  I decided to listen. 

She was talking about a nightmare involving a doll that came alive and then, became evil.  She was obviously shaken by her retelling of this story.  In the dream, the doll had yellow eyes and when her husband held it, his eyes began to turn yellow, too.  The woman panicked and didn't know what was happening, but knew it was the evil doll behind it.  The doll wanted her to go with it, but she refused.  Then, upon seeing what was happening to her husband, she begged to go with it in order to free him.  She awoke in a terror.  

Her voice was audibly shaken.  She was distressed and then, I heard the voice of a man.  Apparently, the morning show included the self-proclaimed psychic, Gary Spivey.  He is a pro at profiling and was able to deduce pain from the woman's story.  Not to mention, the statistics that let us know most women suffer from abortion in some way.  So, he immediately began speaking of an aborted child and if she had an abortion.  


This was all she could handle and her tears were easy to hear.  She admitted to it and also, the pain it caused her and how devastating it had been for her.  Now, this "psychic" began his "work" and told her this was an earth-bound child now that was possessed by several demons.  This man actually walked her through a supposed "exorcism" of sorts over the radio in a matter of 30 seconds.  He so fully took advantage of her pain and suffering that she was easy to lead through his words.  It was disturbing beyond measure to me.

The irresponsibility of this man and the way in which he can consciously participate in such a fraud boggles my mind.  Is it that he is so disillusioned that he's convinced himself he's actually doing this?  Or, is he actively aware of his fabrication of this process?  Either way, he took advantage of a woman who is truly suffering and turned it into a circus act for his own benefit. 

Hearing this prompted me to sit down at home and first, write an email to the show.  I heard they took her name and number and I decided it was worth contacting them.  I implored them to provide Rachel's Vineyard contact information to the young woman.  Regardless of whether or not they realize the seriousness of her pain and choose to do what is right, I could not sit idly by knowing that I had the tools to offer for a sincere and true healing for her.  I pray that they give her the information or that by some other means, she is able to seek the help she TRULY needs.

Secondly, it prompted me to blog.  I realize it is not often I do and I should improve.  However, I am here now and sending this out to the world so that people will be careful of the help they seek.  When we are vulnerable and in the midst of our pain, we will easily fall prey to predators.  It's not difficult to convince a person they can find a "quick fix" to their problems when all they want to do is run away from them.  Sadly, however, it's not long before that "warm fuzzy" is gone and the pain is back and often times, more forcefully.

I want to say to all of you who suffer...and to all of you who might know someone that suffers...

IT IS NOT A BAD THING TO BE VULNERABLE...

TO GRIEVE...

TO FEEL THE PAIN THAT ABORTION LEAVES BEHIND...

You ... are ... human.    You ... feel.    This is all normal.  

Please don't subscribe to the junk they shove down our throats and believe it better to avoid "feeling" by running towards distractions of one kind or another.

Don't hide it away...lock it in a cabinet...pretend it's not there.  

I did all of those things...guess what...IT DIDN'T WORK!  I made things worse and running from the pain and looking for that "quick fix" only landed me with more problems and suffering.  It appears easier at the time, however, the mole hill becomes a mountain before we realize what is happening and then, dealing with it becomes overwhelming and much more frightening.  However, it CAN be done. Healing IS possible.

Ladies and gentlemen, please take time to think more on the subject of abortion

It all begins and ends with life.  

It's not popular...it is NEVER easy to focus on...but it is n-e-c-e-s-s-a-r-y.  Too many people suffer needlessly.  Too many people think they do not have the right to grieve for their lost children.  Too often our society tells us that something is wrong with US if we aren't okay with the decision we made.  I'm telling you that is wholly untrue.  Abortion is a serious thing...and it has very serious consequences. No matter your stance on if it's right or wrong, the fact remains that people who undergo abortion suffer a great deal.  It doesn't matter your political affiliation...we're talking about people in need of help.

Please do not continue being a victim for Satan.  Healing is awaiting all of us in spite of the lies he whispers in our ears.  Regardless of how the evil one attempts to circumvent the process or prevent us from seeking help, we must endure and persevere until we find a way to conquer that ominous mountain. 

Support one another...reach out to those who suffer.  Christ is holding out His hand and ready to embrace you with love, forgiveness, and the knowledge that you ARE a good person and DO deserve to feel true joy.

Do not allow yourselves to pass by an opportunity provided by God to do His good work in this sometimes tragic world.  

The outcome cannot be our focus...the possibility of being denied must not be a deterrent.  

Choose to help those who desire and desperately seek release from their pain!

Please consider passing along this blog post to others or, even just the information I've provided below.  You never know who is in your life that silently suffers from abortion.

Peace and blessings with you all.

In Tulsa, please contact Rachel's Vineyard as follows for Post-Abortive Healing Information:
Rachel's Vineyard - Tulsa Retreats

For help nationally, please follow the link below:
Rachel's Vineyard National Web Site


At anytime, you may contact me, directly on this blog or via my Facebook Page:
Simply search for:  "Christine A. Monteith"