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Tuesday, June 1, 2010


So, I was having coffee with an old friend yesterday and one of things we discussed was abortion. More specifically, we talked about her pregnancy with her daughter, which just so happened to come up about the time of my abortion. When talking with her, she told me that she had read my story in the EOC in March of 2008. It had touched her heart and although we hadn't reconnected at that time, she was truly happy for me.

That's not the really "forgotten" part about this. While speaking, she made a comment about that time in our lives. She remembered our talking about the abortion a time after it had occurred. She says to me that when reading my EOC article, she was glad because I was "finally allowing myself to really deal with it." Then, she says that she remembers my telling her that "it was the best thing I ever did for myself." HUH? What the??? Really? Seriously? Are you kidding me?

I remember I paused and just looked at her for a moment. I repeated what she had said and asked her if I really said that to her. She said that yes, I had. At the time, she felt that I simply wasn't able to face the reality of it, so she never pressed me about it. So, when she read my article, she was so happy to see I finally allowed myself to do just that.

When I opened my mouth to speak, all I said to her was, "I don't remember ever saying that to you. I don't remember that conversation."

How could I have forgotten that? How could I have erased an entire conversation with a person, who up to that point in my life, had been my best friend since childhood? Was I truly capable to simply blocking out unwanted memories? I guess so.

It simply caught me off guard. At one time, I really had convinced myself that it was the very best thing for me. The pain really was that bad. I did need to find a way to block it out and the only way to do that was to justify it. In fact, that was the word she used...she said that I "justified" having the abortion to her. I was truly shocked at this revelation. I mean, I thought "other" people did that...blocked out things that they weren't proud of or didn't like. Nope...apparently...I do, as well.

So, the change in my ability to deal with all of this came even after I spent years justifying my act. I dealt with the pain by NOT dealing with it at all, whatsoever. Not uncommon for post-abortive persons. Not in the least.

Dealing with our pain...facing it...that's something we must do. But, sometimes, we're not ready when others are ready to "hear us." I never realized my friend was simply waiting for me to fall into her arms and cry my eyes out. I never knew that she had been waiting to be the person who pulled me out of my own and self-imposed abyss. I never realized that the lonliness I felt in that sea of pain was unnecessary because there had been a rescue boat waiting for me the entire time. Sometimes, we are so horrified by our own actions that we literally block out any semblence of hope that might be there.

Do we do this because of guilt? Do we do it because we truly believe that no one is there or will understand? Or...are we simply punishing ourselves for actions that cannot be changed and choices we made in one, terrible moment, that forever changed us and who we would become?

God knows the answers and He, thankfully, is all giving, loving and forgiving. Not unlike a parent, He loves us inspite of all the ways we work so hard to push Him away. I am ever thankful to Him for the blessings I've received and for showing me that I did, indeed, have angels with me during all of those dark moments...I was never alone, although, I failed to see.

Peace be with you.